October 25, 2013 Journal Entry

I want them out of my head, once and for all. I want them to fly far, far away so they won't torment me anymore. I want to feel light again, and free -- from this unbearable heaviness, from the restraints of fear and hatred.

I've always been told I have a quick temper; I often flare up in anger over trivial things, petty misunderstandings. But I can forgive as readily. I can bury all my misgivings and discontent deep within my heart, carry on with a smiling face. And that's precisely what my problem is -- by keeping these feelings, by trying to forget them, I am tying myself down to them all the more. They stay unresolved, ghosts of a place and time that no longer exist, lingering and aching for a proper closure.

I want to be empty again.

Let me sing, and have them hear all the songs I can sing. Let me write until all my thoughts are gone, until all the verses in my head run out of rhyme. Let them pluck out my eyes and wring all the tears that can be shed. Let them take my heart, and have it pulse blood until it can beat no more. Void. Blank. Silent. And then, swiftly enter me, fill me once more - with something different.

Take all the useless romantic notions of a sixteen year old from me, and replace them with the weathered wisdom that comes with experience. Erase the discontent in my soul, give me zest for life. Take away hate -- hate which is yet love -- and teach me to feel the world in a new way, as it is: raw and serrated, beautiful in its bluntness.

Reconstruct all of reality, and put it inside of me.

I don't want to escape - I want to be free. I've been walking in the shadows for so long, that my eyes sting with tears upon seeing the light.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a doctor. Then a teacher, an artist, an astronaut, a writer. I didn't know how, and I still don't know why. Now, I am working my way towards being an engineer -- a dream I'm not sure I dreamed myself. It has always been unclear. Kaninong pangarap ang hinahabol ko? Kaninong langit ang pinagsusumikapan kong marating?