Unrequited - Poems IV

It's getting dark, the streetlights start

To light up the buzzing city.

Stuck in traffic, I stare at the waiting

Cars exhaling

Smoke - humming the song

Of going back home.

It is a small, small world but I need it

To be smaller still.

~~~

The raindrops drum against my windowpanes,

The rhythm spelling out your name.

But you can’t hear it, can you

From a thousand miles away?

The room's a mess, the only thing

That's making sense is our song

Playing on the radio. I wonder,

Are you tuned in, too?

Chorus:

When rain falls like this, I miss

The sparkle in your eyes.

And in the silence I can hear

The echo of goodbyes.

I know that dreams are calling you

And it's hard to keep the faith.

But sorry, I can never say

That this ain't worth the wait.

Blinking streetlights guide me home,

Walking from the places we called our own.

But how does it feel to just walk away?

I know you're strong alone, but we were invincible.


Chorus:

In dark days like these, I miss

The sparkle in your eyes.

And in the silence I can hear

The echo of goodbyes.

I know that dreams are calling you

And it's hard to keep the faith.

But sorry, I can never say

That this ain't worth the wait.


You know that even when

This shower turns to a storm, I can stay.

You know that even when

All the lights go out, I can find a way.

Alone, there's only so much I can do

But you know I'll always fight for you.

Chorus:

In dark days like these, I miss

The sparkle in your eyes.

And in the silence I can hear

The echo of goodbyes.

I know that dreams are calling you

And it's hard to keep the faith.

But sorry, I can never say

That this ain't worth the wait.

In the silence I can hear

The echoed song of 'us'.

So I will never, never say

That love ain't worth the wait.

 ~~~

I sit on the staircase waiting to fall,

Hoping that love is a panacea

For all my ills,

Or a heroin habit.

Where are you now?

I’m dancing under a sky of stars,

Waiting for my shooting star.

It’s growing cold and my hands

Are in need of something to hold.

Where are you now?

I’m waiting to be driven senseless

Chasing after butterflies.

I want to get my child’s heart broken

And then reassemble it or maybe

Just lose some of the pieces to you.

Never the same,

Never quite whole again.

Bucket List

It’s at moments like these that I feel lost. There is nothing at all to be sad about, but I can’t feel anything – not pressure, not pain, not contentment. I put on my earphones and press play, but no song could kindle any sort of feeling. It won’t even last a minute before I switch to the next track.

“I am,” would seem an overstatement. I live inside a bubble, in a suspended reality – I am afraid of what’s outside but I want to feel it and I can’t set my feet on the ground.

So I am going to reach out and break the bubble. I am going to risk the fall.

BUCKET LIST BEFORE SUMMER

Putting this after emo introduction above seems lame, but what the hell, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want with it. Which transitions nicely to the first item on the list:

1.      Write again. Fill notebooks with cheesy poems if that’s what comes out of my head. Write stories and songs, draw pictures. This is my life. This is my soul talking.

2.      Have good academic standing. It’s hard to keep the faith given all the stuff that engineering people are required to learn, but I have to and I want to. I want to not regret anything.

3.      Speak. Sing. I am so tired of staying silent.

4.      Read books. Walk around. See people (and talk to them too).

5.      Talk to Zorro, the masked guardian of the acad oval. I want to know his story. I want to debunk myths about him. I also want to have a picture beside the Oblation, but that’s beside the point.

6.      Be less boring.

7.      Love the library more. Love Chemistry more. Love Physics more.

8.      Become a faster reader. Go from 700wpm to 1000+wpm.

9.      Compose songs. Improve musical ability.

10.  Try not to be insecure when things get rough.

11.  Try to be more cultured. Also download a lot of OPM songs so no one could call me a hipster.

12.  Make up my mind, or not.

13.  Hang out with… friends.

14.  Study in advance. Basically do things in advance.

15.  Inspire myself. Inspire other people.

16.  Jog around the acad oval.

17.  Watch stars at night in UP.

18.  Cook something really awesome.

19.  Learn Japanese again. And Spanish.

20.  Start my novel and write at least four chapters.

21.  Learn how to paint.

22.  Do something crazy, something many of my friends don’t think I’d do, and document it.

Poems

Kill the poet, silence 

The song that issues 

From that jailed and jaded 

Heart. Set him

Free, instead -- unseal

Him from his mortal woes, 

Let those thoughts undying

Touch the sky,

Kiss the rain,

Dance in the wind.

And then we

Shall breathe his art,

Bring the poet once more

To being.

~~~

You read
The bleeding little verse,
Didn't you?

In the crimson blotches
And blurry
Tear-kissed sheets,
Did you
Get a glimpse
Of the color of my lips?
You used to know,
So well.

And did you
Realize
That 'tis a pulse
From my lovesick heart
To yours?

~~~

October 25, 2013 Journal Entry

I want them out of my head, once and for all. I want them to fly far, far away so they won't torment me anymore. I want to feel light again, and free -- from this unbearable heaviness, from the restraints of fear and hatred.

I've always been told I have a quick temper; I often flare up in anger over trivial things, petty misunderstandings. But I can forgive as readily. I can bury all my misgivings and discontent deep within my heart, carry on with a smiling face. And that's precisely what my problem is -- by keeping these feelings, by trying to forget them, I am tying myself down to them all the more. They stay unresolved, ghosts of a place and time that no longer exist, lingering and aching for a proper closure.

I want to be empty again.

Let me sing, and have them hear all the songs I can sing. Let me write until all my thoughts are gone, until all the verses in my head run out of rhyme. Let them pluck out my eyes and wring all the tears that can be shed. Let them take my heart, and have it pulse blood until it can beat no more. Void. Blank. Silent. And then, swiftly enter me, fill me once more - with something different.

Take all the useless romantic notions of a sixteen year old from me, and replace them with the weathered wisdom that comes with experience. Erase the discontent in my soul, give me zest for life. Take away hate -- hate which is yet love -- and teach me to feel the world in a new way, as it is: raw and serrated, beautiful in its bluntness.

Reconstruct all of reality, and put it inside of me.

I don't want to escape - I want to be free. I've been walking in the shadows for so long, that my eyes sting with tears upon seeing the light.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of being a doctor. Then a teacher, an artist, an astronaut, a writer. I didn't know how, and I still don't know why. Now, I am working my way towards being an engineer -- a dream I'm not sure I dreamed myself. It has always been unclear. Kaninong pangarap ang hinahabol ko? Kaninong langit ang pinagsusumikapan kong marating?