Holiday Playlist

This is my playlist for this year's holidays. Song lyrics in italics. 

Let's press play, then, shall we?

~~~~~

And if you are a friend of any sort then play along and catch a cold.

Here it goes. Confessions crave an audience don’t they?

Come into my world, I’ve got to show, show, show you.

It’s the 26th of December, the day after Christmas. Unlike all the other ones before it, I’m not feeling that happy kind of disappointment – I’m not ‘sad it’s over but glad it happened’. It is as if I saw through all the wrapping for the first time. In that repetitive scene of gift-giving and merry-making, singing carols and watching re-runs on HBO, it has never been a greeting of “Merry Christmas”. It has always been “It’s showtime”.

Over and over, they call us their friends. Can’t we find something else to pretend?

               

I’d always be sitting staring at my older cousins, wondering why they look so sophisticated, so ‘dalaga na’ (the only time of the year I’d think I have a childish face). We’d be exchanging presents (the only time of the year I’d think they’re symbols of social status rather than a gesture of goodwill) and compliments (sarcastic at best). And then, we would practice our ‘show of unity’ for the annual family reunion, always an overly enthusiastic song and dance number (the only time of the year I’d ever get cheeky enough to dance).

               

                If nothing is true, what more can I do? I am still painting flowers for you.

Only now did I begin to see how much of a farce it all is. We’re picture perfect. Complete. Several of these people are professionals with steady jobs, fancy degrees. All of the couples are (seemingly) happily married. The children are all charming people-pleasers (heh, heh), ready with a clever quip or a new song to play on the piano.

That’s the happy side of the spectrum.

On the other side, we have the dissatisfaction and the disappointments, hidden with smiling faces. My aunt, who finished a medicine-related course, unmarried and stuck at home. My uncle, who stopped schooling at a seminary because he realized it wasn’t for him. My father, who also came out of the seminary, who took a course I believe he’s now regretting.

Smack dab in the middle is yours truly, who often wonders why or how she should put up with this. (Maybe by remembering that family stuff is one of the few things that separate humans from other primates.)

                I did my best, it wasn’t much. I couldn’t feel so I tried to touch. I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you.

But, where do we go from here?

                The definition of a crazy person is someone who does the same thing over and over again while expecting new results.

               

What have we to keep ourselves going?

                That’s it, it’s split. It won’t recover. Just frame the halves and call them brothers.

That I have another 364 days to prepare is a comfort.

And maybe, a wish comes with the confession.

                Take me above your light, carry me through the night. Hold me secure in flight, sing me to sleep tonight.

 ~~~~~~

Songs:

Ne Me Quitte Pas - Regina Spektor

Hotel Song - Regina Spektor

Call them Brothers - Only Son ft. Regina Spektor

Painting Flowers - All Time Low

Hallelujah - Leonard Cohem

I Cut Off My Hair - Regina Spektor

Hello Seattle - Owl City

Happy holidays, everyone.